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The first time I heard Kaddish

Ronit Scheinfeld tells the Hidabroot website about the first time she got to hear the Kaddish prayer. “Nothing prepared me for the immense excitement that hit me,” she describes, “at the sight of this wonderful combination of words, which pierces my soul, like an arrow sent to the heart.” An exciting letter
I’m little Rona, I love all the prayers, I really do. I enjoy playing all the piyots and psalms, songs and tunes on my lips. From such a hobby. Tomer always enjoys giving me knowledge tests, and throws me half a sentence from a passage and I am supposed to complete it. I am proud to admit that I usually get a passing grade.

But there is one thing that draws me to the synagogue all the time, something that makes my soul fly, makes my soul flutter. This something is called Kaddish.

Nothing prepared me for the first time I heard the words “יתגדל ויתקדש שמה רבה”, nothing prepared me for the immense excitement that struck me, at the sight of this wonderful combination of words, which pierces my soul, like an arrow sent to the heart.

Those who grope their way into the world of Judaism, often check how I believe in something I can’t see, something I can’t hear, something that can’t be touched. Correct me if I’m wrong, but God must be felt. feel inside. The walls that have been built around him over the years need to be broken down. And then, only then, you can feel him.

The essence of the Kaddish is a request for the increase and sanctification of his great name and his kingdom. This request succeeds in taking me to a place where I understand my nothingness in relation to His greatness, when I see my soul, when it is devoid of shells and full of infinite light.

From this essay I learned what it is to touch God. To touch the highest self, the supreme self. From this transition, I manage to reach a point where I isolate myself for a moment from everything, from all my worries. I don’t think about the bank account, not about the tasks I left at work, and certainly not about the hanging laundry.

May the name of the Creator be praised and glorified – against the inadequacy of my personality, and may his name be exalted – against the nothingness in me, against the shortcomings within me. The same shortcomings that presented me with challenges that made me feel alive. Those torments, which set me free from all difficulties and all fears.

“ויתעלה ויתהלל”, succeeds in reminding me that I came from a high place, from a place where my “I” does not really exist. Hearing these words, I manage a little to understand that the nothingness I feel, reveals to me one great kingdom.

“לעלם ולעלמי עלמיא”, as much as I don’t have a perception of you, I don’t even have the edge of a definition. I’m always told you’re the one when in fact you’re actually all of them. But how is it that I know you are mine, when at the same time you are everyone’s?

In the world you created according to your will, you commanded me to be distinguished and holy. In the world where I made you king, you commanded me to hope for your salvation. In the wonderful world where you are above all blessing and glory – I see you in a flower that blooms, and in the moon above me that shines. I see you in the wind that leads the cloud, I feel you alive, in the smile of a little child.

Together with you I strive and rise, doing everything to resemble you. Rising above any insulting comment, rising above the estimation of the environment. Between thorns and thistles my legs are braided, learning to give a lot, and even less to take.

Your name is blessed in the mouth of all living. Today I don’t have the strength to live without you, I tremble at the possibility that you will hide your face. What is to me a day or night, because it’s all “דאמירן בעלמא”.

My passion for you, my love for you, a love that consumes every crumb in my soul. The words written on every part of my body proclaim every time you are my king. The words shine like the radiance of the sky, asking and wishing to reach you.

Lead me in the way of those who walk innocently, hide me in secret with your wings forever. You are the God who is full of mercy, you dwell with the holy and pure, please illuminate the cold night for me, remove from me every wild and barren weed.

“אויה לי כי גרתי משך,” my soul cries, “שכנתי עם אהלי קדר” asking to forgive myself. Forgive for all the times I turned my back, for all the times I raised your mouth. I don’t know if I can forgive myself, about blindness and walking in murky water, about not knowing that I was shepherding foreign fields.

From the strait my desire came to you, and without hesitation you stretched out your hand. I do not deserve any kindness and compassion, I do not deserve any manifestation of salvation. Please forget from my heart that I walked in the tents of wickedness, forget from my mind that I did not conceive your work.

Hereby hear my prayer, that your grace may not depart from me. From the treasure of your freely stored gifts, which are kept with you in the warmth, guide me in the path of your commandments, and incline my heart to your testimonies. Remember my ancestral rights, because my crying eyes are on you.

In front of a large crowd I will glorify your name, in front of a holy people I will be amused by your Torah. Hide me under your big hands, don’t let me fall into the mouth of lust. May I live you in every moment of my life, may I sit at your doorstep all day. My soul longs for you, my soul longs for your glory to increase, my soul longs for your name to be sanctified.

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